I go by pansexual or queer, but I'm usually more attracted to women. As far as LGBT people go, I acknowledge that I'm more privileged than the vast majority. I'm a law student, I have a car, and I have a girlfriend of five months. Still, there's a catch: I'm a closeted girl with mental health issues in a conservative family. How conservative? We had many fights and meltdowns about my political posts on facebook. I was an activist in college; I'm not as active in the movement anymore but I still hold the same sentiments. A leftist through and through. My girlfriend is a nurse in a government agency, and we have met each other (for the entire time we've known each other) for a total of three times: twice in February, before the lockdowns, and once this July. It's been really tough not being with her in person, especially as my mental health had been really suffering because of the pandemic. I'm stuck at home with my family; only my sister knows I'm gay and that I'm in a relationship. Staying in contact with her is a struggle. You see, I can't have overly long video calls with her as my mom would tend to hover around me and ask me who it is, what we're talking about, etc. Why am I so apprehensive about coming out, you might ask? TW: Violence My mom discovered that I had a girlfriend in high school after rummaging through my stuff. She found a letter that my then-girlfriend gave me for our "monthsary" and she lost her sh*t. She called me names, pulled my hair, slapped me, until I was an ugly, sobbing mess. Obviously, she was incensed. She said she was afraid for me, to what my dad (Indian guy in his late 60's) might do if he ever found out. For context, we're my dad's second family. He came home one day to find his (legal) wife in bed with the woman they let into their home, who she claimed to be her niece. He was so mad, he gave an ultimatum to his wife: the woman or him. His wife proceeded to kick him out of their house. That is the story of how my dad came to hate gay women. My mother, knowing this, was so scared that she beat me up. It's messed up, and 10 years later, I'm still reeling from the trauma. She is so loving and caring outside of that event, that I still feel guilty for wanting to keep secrets for her. But what can I do, I've been traumatized. With that kind of family setting, I've been stuck at home due to the lockdowns. I couldn't be myself, I couldn't keep contact with my girlfriend without the fear of them finding out; I couldn't even call my best friend for fear that I might let slip some secrets while they're