• Struggle to remain strong Ang una po sa akin itong ulap na may ibon. Kasi gusto ko yung sana maging mapayapa [peaceful] na ang buhay, hindi mamayapa [death] na. Tapos bato kasi minsan kailangan maging matigas kasi para sa laban namin ng anak namin. Yung isa namatay [EJK], yung isa naman nasa kulungan. (Participant 5) Plato po yan, tapos ito po kanin. Hinahalintulad ko sarili ko sa kanin… di ba ang kanin minsan malambot, may ginhawa po dito. Minsan po ganon ang sistema ng buhay namin. Minsan malungkot ka, minsan din ganon, tama ang timpla. Pag nagipit… kikilos kami, gagawa at gawa pa rin para makapag-aral [ang mga anak]. Minsan po nanlalambot ako sa buhay. Dito po sila umaasa… kailangan ko pong i-provide… di ko po kaya pero pinipilit ko po pong may pagkain, lugaw. Kailangan ko pong maging matigas. Tulad sa kanin, kailangan mong maging tama para din sa mga bata. (Participant 6) • Resilience Bolang nag-uumpog-umpog…. Nasa taas ang talbog ng bola pag nakatapos na ang mga apo ko. (Participant 1) Anumang alon… na yun nga, pinapangako ko sa kanya na patuloy akong lalaban sa buhay kahit wala na siya. (Participant 3) Ngayon ang simbolo ng batong ito – isang bato lang yan – ang ibig sabihin para sa akin na kahit anong problema, lahat ng magagandang biyaya, masamang mangyayari, talagang kasama yun [sa buhay]. Tapos ito namang sapa ay tubig na umaagos, patuloy pa rin na kung ano man… kumbaga susunod lang ako sa agos kung saan ay para sa aming mag-lola kasi kailangan kong gawin yun dahil kailangan kong mabuhay para sa mga apo ko. (Participant 4) Women stated they are still grieving 18 to 24 months after the killing. They could still recall how they informed about the killing, their first sight of their loved one’s lifeless body, and their immediate reactions. One woman still felt guilty because she was not able to come near her husband when he was shot. She was only a few meters from the crime scene, but did not dare to go to him because she might be killed too. Although she knew that it was for their young children that she had to stay away, she still sometimes blames herself for being afraid. Another woman’s still found it hard to fully accept her husband’s death in a police raid, especially because there were other men in the same raid who were captured alive. It was clear to all the women, however, that they had to pull themselves together for the sake of their families, for their young children and grandchildren most of all. The most tangible and immediate impact was on the household’s economic situation. Five out of the seven women said they carried the sole responsibilty of providing for their families after the death of the EJK victim. At 66 years old, one woman said that she was already too old for this task, but she had no choice because the spouse of the EJK victim left her with her grandchildren to live with another man. Panaghoy: The Philippine War on Drugs from the Perspective of Women March 2019 49